Names have been substituted.
They...?
.. in sickness and in health.. good times and bad..until we die?
Or end up in jail ?
For years l have waited in vain for a letter or a card from them .. but none came.
I wrote frequently and phoned when i could very rarely.
There was no response.
I contacted a number of mutual friends who gave me small bits of news of home and the young boy.
Various very special and concerned friends went to visit my two closest at thier little house in order to determine what could be the problem.
Why there was no response to my letters.. calls.. or messages.
Every visitor was regarded with malevolent hostility no matter how white were the flags they bore.
News returning to me remained guarded and scant.
As if .. all those that made any approach to the lone mother .. were met with something too sad .. too shameful or too awful for them to relay to me the true extent of the situation.
Everybody we know .. and all who have followed this case and its misfortunes.. and my error.. are aware of the shame and ignominy that those two had to endure all these years because of my situation.
I am ever traumatised.. devastated at thier suffering and great loss.
Everything i owned... i signed over to them and assured them that there would be ranks of friends of mine who would line up to lend a hand ..or extend with some compassionate support .
But from them there was no response.. only a venomous spewing of hatred and blame toward me and my family.
Isolated and cloistered.. they became aloof ..and all contact with me was deliberately cut off.
My many carers stood back aghast!
Still we remained patient as we clearly all sympathised with the fact that they were enduring such awful shame and humiliation as they attended thier daily lives at work and school and round the town.
We had to respect thier choice of isolation and privacy.
A great silence descended over the whole episode as they hoped that time would wash away the truth of the past.. my indiscretions and the reams of gossip that followed them everywhere.
But the silence made it all much worse.
Everyone knew... and those that would normally have been disinterested.. picked up on all the hidden details..most of which were incorrect or deliciously skewed.
After years of further anxious waiting and patient care.. i dared to phone never quite knowing what i would say.
I did it.. and it wasnt so bad.. but only because i did not dare breach any of the more pressing issues i really wanted to resolve.
Again i did it and penetrated a little further every time.... but never nearly as much as i so desperately yearned to learn of.
This time i really needed to find out why it was i had no responses from him.
Whether it was really him that was angry and mute.. or whether it was her stopping any and all forms of my communications.
The details of this conversatiom are briefly covered below..
Of course times are hard and understandably money is short and that was her primary concern and any funds i can summon further i should attempt to divert to her.
Then i told her i was not yet in any position to make any firm commitments.. but that there would be a residual payment coming to her..as soon as i could manage it.
This was vague and non committal .. but my situation is the same.
Then i said that i wanted contact with him now... soon....
This weekend.
I asked for his mobile number and email address.
Both were declined.
I then asked her to allow me to phone him at school and for her to lift the sanctioned contact there.
She declined all of this.
I asked then whether she had given him all the letters i had written.None have been given to him.
I then asked her to give me some "positive press " with him so that he would be more inclined to contact me himself.
She declined saying he was angry with me... and the professional opinion of the psychiatrist had insisted that there be no contact.
It was here i smelt a rat.. and realised that it was not him and his anger doing this.
It was her....
I responded saying it was clear that it was she ..that was causing this negative non communication.
I told her this to her face and again she reiterated that it was by order of the professional psychiatrist.
I said that psychiatrist had never met me nor has any idea of my character or the circumstances... and i would love to get hold of her.
I could see where this was all going and declined more emphatically her further requests for me to pay her money for my son.
She said he has suffered eight years of extreme humiliation and suggested that i had no idea of this.
I said that I suffered every day the utmost shame and embarrassment.
I mentioned that there were now hundreds of caring and sympathetic people who know of all this... and that every day my cruel separation from him... is a great sadness for them as it is clearly an agony for me.
I told her of all the times i had explained to everyone how much l was aware that she and the boy had suffered.. how much she had achieved as a lone mother... and how hard things were for her now.
I mentioned that many people i know...are aware of all this.. and share this sadness with me.
I mentioned then that it would be in the boys interest to contact me because his welfare could benefit from my future financial situation.. should he decide to make the call.
She replied angrily saying i was using a blackmail tactic.
I said i was not going a single week further without contact and not a cent would be forthcoming unless there is a two way street.
She said she cant force him to contact me.. i said all she needed to do was to give me a bit of "positive press" and he would quickly come to his senses.
She declined saying she cant force him to do anything against his will and that he was angry with me for fucking up his life and causing him to miss so many opportunities.
.These sounded to me like her own words ?
By now it was clear to her... that I knew it was her that was doing this... and I said to her, that every facebook request of mine that he has deleted.. has been like a stab to my heart and his finger in my eye.
I said that there were hundreds of our friends all behind me waiting for him to wake up and make contact with me and that there would not be a vestige of shame to bear.. only care.
She said no one had offered her the slightest bit of help thru the whole ordeal except my mom to a limited degree.
My mom often begged me to get her to visit and to collect cash and gifts.. but she declined.. siting too busy and not keen on begging herself.
I made it clear that there were hundreds of dear caring friends standing in the wings, ready to help, but were too horrified at the way she had spurned.. rejected and betrayed me as i lay so helplessly out of contact in a distant jail.
Many who would have pulled together in many different ways .. had this acrimony not been present.
The shame and embarrassment was only magnified by her disproportionate betrayal and malicious treatment of me.
I asked then.. how much longer she expected me to continue being cut off so entirely.. and that there was no chance of my feeding funding into this angry one way street.
Once again she said this was blackmail.. and I said absolutely not.
I said to her.. i loved her.. i always will.. and that I loved him very much and only want the best for them both and said I was the one most tired of all the begging now.
I said i planned to let my brother buy a rentable property for me and that if all went well .. she would collect the rent from that.
I let her know i would never return to south africa but that i would have airtickets available for them when i regain my balance in the U.K.
I said my brother Hamish.. was now my closest trusted family and that he will administer the business of finances.
Should he die.. then the proceeds would cede to my nephews who express more love and care and interest in me than her or my angry son.
I said i was fully aware that everything I give to her will go to his benefit .
So.. by now she was well on the back foot and threatening to put the phone down but i think good sense may have prevailed.
I said again that I had waited patiently for eight years.. and I wanted to know how much longer she was going to keep me isolated from him.
I said i am not waiting indefinitely and this malitiod torment had to stop.
I also mentioned that I am publishing all this far and wide as I have been doing.. and that isolating the boy is not going to reduce the shame and embarrasssment which shrouds this whole debacle.
Everyone knows whats happened and its all the worse for gossip and rumours when nobody says anything or knows the facts.
I mentioned then to her... that nothing i could do will change what happened .. and I have repeated my apologies..sorrow and regrets for my aknowledged indiscretions.
I would continue to do this publicly and will remain open and accountable.
How long am i to remain isolated from him?
How long is he going to remain angry and cut off from my love and associated benefits ?
Give him all my letters now!!
Tell him to mail me.
I said many friends had tried talking to him.. and she mentioned all the previous visitors bearing paltry gifts.
I said I would request more folks to come in and try.. but she said not to bother..the boy is too upset and angry and wont listen.
I said to her.." its all been you.". "Its all up to you"
Now we all know whats going on
We all knew
But now we are sure
We were right
