Fortune Formula

The Lucky One.

Lucky.. haaa.. 

Here i lie in jail alone.

I watched a film .. one like many ive seen.. but today i cried a lot.

Tears.. actual tears..I stood back from time to time.. aware of my ridiculous tears and was incredulous seeing myself so easily afflicted

And I thought how anyone else seeing me would shake thier heads in sad disdain.

I realised or guessed then,  that the the tears were for my regrets and omissions.. my opportunities forfeited..and my very brave young son who has come all this way never knowing  anything of the truth concerning my absence.

So i watched the US marines in the movie doing thier killing and shooting in Iraq,  and then as some of them were killed in the fray.

I lived into it as i always do.. but i have become hardened to these vivid depictions of young men fighting for thier lives,  like i had done a few times.

The death and blood and fear all the same through the ages. 
How each one of us young soldiers was trained to work together with our battle mates, even if it meant sacrificing onesself.

I did that years ago,  when I had my turn ..even without realising it.. where i ran .. like this movie man .. into the teeth of death itself.. but lived.. as my mates died. 

No reason i could find,  could explain why i was still alive and so many of them were dead. 
My troop commander had chosen to place us where we were on the battle field and so many variables came into play,  defining the path of my feet on that battlefield.

My feet .. that walked out of that firefight alive while so many right next to me fell dead.

The "survivor guilt"  was the same then, as it is described in all the movies... and with no councelling or treatment afterwards...stayed writhing darkly in the depths of my mind.. 
I learnt how to deal with it over the years and replayed it in sections and stored those like  video tapes..stacked in  a dusty cupboard. 

When i replay any of those tapes .. the blank spots reignite and the sounds and smells come flooding back.. 
I no longer avoid it.. i have grown into it and accepted it.

I have come to realise that life and its courses,  for every one of us,  is defined by the thousands of possible variables that are in our every step each day.

Rarely entirely in our control.

So once again i watched the film actor enduring the agonies of loss.. guilt.. and ingrained traumatic damage.... just like i did.

Just like many of us did.Just as many are doing now.Just like i am still doing here every day.. 

Another battlefield.. different challenges.. different adversaries... and just as many different variables of luck.

Luck.. fate.. or divine design.?
That soldier in the movie did the same as me when he went home.. taking the time to visit the bereaved families,  to explain to them all of the brave last days.. hours .. and seconds thier sons had endured.

Few tears for me on all of this.. as i have replayed it in every way and grown resistant to the old raw emotions. 

The sadness remains eternal and part of my bones.
This time though .. today ... the tears ran freely down my face .. and they were not for me or my brave comrades..

Not for my devastated wife left destitute on remnants of my past futile efforts..
Not for my longsuffering mom or the hardships of so many others far worse off than me...imprisonment.. rape.. Torture.. starvation..
unimaginable cruelty.. warcrimes ..all the hatred and greed..

No.. these tears were for my brave young son.
The film i watched today had him there. 
Just like i knew him .. just  like he was with me when i last saw him.

.The likenesses were uncanny and no matter how i tried to get a hold of myself...i was taken by the reality of my love and sorrow for him.
.Choices we make are integral  parts of the formula of our  fortunes.

There are real and imagined influences.. religious.. magical..occult...superstitious.. logical.. calculated ideas and luck..

Co incidence ...fate.. prayer.. statistical probability and hope.

We humans are wired to find reason.. explanations or answers for everything... and when there arent any or when we cant find them....we make them up.
My gosh but we are the masters of spin.!
My gosh .. but i am ashamed of my desperate naievity and lemming like tendency to follow blindly in hope.I do that..
Ive done thatI never stop hoping for more.I want to be on the side of the winning team.

How easy it would be to be content with any of the immaculately groomed dogmas.

Prophesies.. predictions.. promises and flamboyant descriptions of paradise.

How easy it would be to pack all that away like those past lessons into my stack of video cassettes... and then to sit back knowing i was likely to be given a gate pass one day.

I want to keep my best options open and to err on the right side.I dont want to get to the gate for the big match.. and find that i dont have enough money to buy a ticket.. or that i dont have enough credits in my account.

To have come all this way.. endured so much.. learnt so much .. loved so many.. made so many mistakes... atoned and repaid so many.

Only to be turned away by the guy at the gate.No..Im not taking that chance..Im not leaving it too late..Im gonna hedge my bets..I will always keep praying.