Monday, August 27, 2018

Personal Serpent

Yup be XXXtremely careful of Her
(your personal serpent) …

when I visited, she said in front of your son,
“Whatever happens, they must never let him out!”
or words very close to that.

I will tell you the context if you ever want to know, but cannot write it.

It is not easy for men like you and me, men of integrity and honour, to imagine the badness of rotten people like my ex-wife & yours.

People who we loved and gave our all.

People who have changed from good to bad Gareth.

From Bee.. Sept 1st 2018
My dear friend.  What a lovely message that was  that you sent on messenger.  I am so thrilled that I am able to communicate with Tom now.  he is an angel in disguise, obviously - I don't have to tell you that.  And I strongly believe that it is no coincidence that your lives crossed. Earthly angels taking care of earthly angels.  Because you are one too.  You are both of a special, rare breed of human who cares so much for other humans that you will risk your own well-being and safety to do what is right and good.  Never thinking of the "self" first, but only as an after-thought.   Always choosing to do the right thing, not what is best for the self.  Always ready to stand up to injustice.  I feel so strongly about these things and I know how much courage it takes to face these adversities - where most would falter or simply not give a damn.  I want you to know this and I know I am cutting deep here but I have never been one to mince words as you well know.  You couldn't have had a worse person as a life partner than Linda.  She is the exact opposite of you.  I found her to be cold, calculating and self-serving.  She proved herself to be just that in her lack of love and affection towards you all those years, and then final abandonment in your darkest time.   I believe you were nothing more than a trophy husband for her, with your drop dead handsome good looks and coming from a good family etc etc.  Thinking of herself first and only herself: oh I don't want to be tied to somebody who is sitting in prison in Kuwait, it's too tedious to deal with, it embarrasses me and it's a stone around my ankle.  Not: I will never abandon the love of my life, my partner and father of my son, because I believe in his integrity and innocence, and I will fight for him with every ounce of my strength and ability until I have succeeded in bringing justice to him and getting him home.   I can't stand people like that and I consciously cut them out of my life!!!  I am so grateful that our paths crossed so long ago and even more grateful that we have been able to remain connected despite the incredible distances and the many many years that have gone by.  I know you said that you don't want to settle down to a family life again and perhaps you never will.  But here is what I want to say to you: there is nothing in the world that can bring you true happiness besides being a family.  No amount of money, success, toys, travel, fancy houses and clothes and cars, good looks either naturally or through plastic surgery, fame, etc.  You can only find that happiness when you have love in the home; a home that consists of a family unit and that lives according to those wonderful Christian values and principles that we were brought up on of honesty, respect and love for each other and for our lord.  This is why I never stopped searching and trying, after my first marriage failed.  I wanted that happiness.  Somehow I knew in my deepest heart of hearts that this is where true happiness lay.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

Sweet Amends and God's Friends Michael D

I just responded to an old friend who has been funding me very generously over the last few years and I thought I would copy you in on some thoughts even though you don't have the previous track.. You know what's going well enough.

It was frustrating..but I will soon be out.
It was often very disappointing to learn so late, how impotent and apathetic.. Aloof and bound by bumbling excuses the authorities were, at every turn.
There is more to this than meets the eye I think?.. and they have yet some cards to play...
Some evasive excuses or possibly good reasons that they were previously unable to disclose?

Either way, they were careful and courteous, and I know a few concerned  individuals were well on side, and did more than they were permitted, but were careful to stay within fairly tight diplomatic boundaries.

I write to a few of them today out of official channels and they will always be family now.
We've made more friends through these trials, and learnt so much too.

I think at this stage after so much good has resulted, that angling at deficiencies and flaws will not do as much good as highlighting the minimalistic tardy efforts with complements and thanks.
They did a lot of good too.
Even to the kuwait authorities, I will direct only respect and thanks, for their efficiency and compassion.
In all these big organizations, there are failings,.
As much... or more, in the uk or usa.

The last thing is, that we can be secure in our knowledge that we tried everything. We left no stone unturned and still had no response. But I know that every letter and appeal was noticed.
And today every one of those was a bright ray of hope for me, restoring every ounce of my honour and self esteem bit by bit.
My family was so grateful for the concerted efforts by so many great people from near and very far.
For them it was much more of an exoneration from my indiscretions and getting into this shameful situation.
Nothing was wasted.
Everything, every voice counted, and today its all pulled together so positively in the end that there will be no place for critical reproaches, only relief, and gratitude I think?
So Mike.. Again thank you for shepherding me so generously through some very dry months and now finally as I pack my bag and stride more confidently into a new chapter. Bless you

Friday, August 17, 2018

Letters from Friends ed

Gareth. Truly . Yes reasons are so important. Reasons allow us to make positive choices..to hold onto something other than ourselves. This gives us a Nexus however tenuous to the greater good and the cosmos.that Nexus is vital in face of adversity such as yours and mine of past.the lack of nexus is responsible for most of the pain  in this world because it births compassion so your nexus to your son and reason to prevail for him is a gift to mankind and our earth biome..it reminds us all and creates magical fortitude and opens up corridors  of opportunity. its funny because organised religionists hold onto their faith and it is the faith itself that produces the magic then they credit their religion.it is the fortitude and spirit born of faith rather than the thing we believe in that allows the universe to help us.it likes us to believe in it.. Funny that.we could start a religion where all u have to do is believe in anything and the miricals would abound! It is so easy to forget.i forgot that u had a challenge just to get a phone let alone bandwidth..such a small thing but the link to the outside  world for u. Yes I almost died but many have and we ultimately all will. It just helped me to lose fear. Your son will have learned so much thru your journey and he is so lucky to have such a wonderful father. Don't forget that this happened to u.u didn't do it. luck struck u down but u have and  are weathering it.this will create an incredible platform for the next chapter when it unfolds.use it..don't let it use u. I am sure u have already learned this from your words. It's all about love and light. Your son has a father.a great father.he is watching from afar as he grows up and u shape him in your absence perhaps even more than your presence.u are teaching him that u can prevail in the face of enormous headwinds.perhaps the greatest lesson a father can give his son. My daughter ironically was the result not the reason. I had a wild life and then fell. It gave me perspective.i decided to focus.that focus gave me a wonderful woman and my daughter was born out of my lesson and that union. The wheel is circular.we get on and off but it always goes around.. but attitude...my goodness attitude is everything.i watched my brother be angry in hospital and the universe made it difficult for him as his anger increased.i learnt from that that our choices affects the outcome.u hang in there brother.. u are an inspiration to me.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Getting Back

What is there to say after this?
What is there to share of this journey?
What good could result from all this pain?
What good could ever be realised by all this shame?
So many questions...loose ends
And having the answers would not be my claim.
Nor would I presume on such wisdom or advice or ill claims to fame.

What we have together here,
is a view into an obscure experience. What we have together is a strategy of inspection.
What we can share in this travesty and this display of such delinquent legal processes, is not bitter and angry but a clear and progressive regrowth.
For us all.
As I stand back from it all with you, from an objective standpoint, and after a great deal of effort and care assisted by a great many wise contributors.

What I've done up till now is to have presented the myriad of confused components coherently and clearly for you to see and share and assess.

Through my previously unblemished reputation and my perhaps tardy attempts at  a putting these events up for an exacting scrutiny, it is my sincere hope that much of this unfortunate travesty will be presented in its entirety for the good things it has yielded .and  Your opinions are very important. crucial.

Your respected opinions and conclusions are yours alone to choose with no obligation to me, or my devastated family and friends.

I am most highly indebted to my now divorced wife and son for enduring the most traumatic deprivations and social rejections on my account.
Their shame and ignominy through all these years of secretive whispers and gossip must have been a most painful ordeal. 
Their incredible fortitude and achievement as everything they had earned and deserved was snatched away as I lay incarcerated, helpless and destitute.
Most significantly was how my parents too, endured much of the same torment and disinformation.

My parents were equally  bewildered by the roughshod allegations which were bandied about, so contrary to the long suppressed truth which eventually surfaced years too late.
Bravely those most gallant parents, family and friends stood by my side regardless of the fabrications that resulted in my convictions through a well proven legal slaughterhouse.

Most importantly I've acknowledged my misdemeanors and shortcomings many times over and have drawn much reprieve from having disclosed all that. The acceptance of my misdemeanors was a very important factor for my credibility thus far.

What I really need to express now, is that there is so much good that has transpired from this most unfortunate turn of events.
The indescribable horror, shock, shame and outrage mustered into the Arab spring and its inconsistencies, transformed into the errant legal processes leading to my imprisonment.
So much good came out of all this.
So many networks of campaigning supporters formed..
So many meetings of the most wonderful personalities.
So many diligent operatives within the diplomatic structures and rather sadly, also the dissappointment at their inaction and impotence.

Together we learnt so much and are  sharing it . Having a tiny phone changed everything and allowed my loved ones to hold my head above the water . Every day.
Allowed an interaction of powerful emotions as the cruelest of events played out. Every day.
So many felt the pain and sadness with me... Every long  night.
So many shared the great many joys that occurred. Every day.
Contributions came in to me in many ways by relief parcels.. Visits..messages.. Letters.. Cash amounts or loading to my phone credit.
Supporting my old mum and helping her with using her phone.. Carrying letters and love between her and myself so excessively restrained and silenced.

Some very great friendships and meetings have resulted from all of this.
There is a manuscript for a book presently undergoing final editing.

I have also managed a few of my own achievements as I experienced living into another culture.. Language religion and lifestyle. There was so much I could never have learnt anywhere else.

Reading speaking and writing arabic and using it all every day.
I completed a course as an electrician in the workshops and ran the satellite TV systems.
I made many friends and good impressions at every level.
I used the time well and exercised consistently and many now follow my example.
I fed the birds every day, now they do it.
I taught some basic English at the school .
Every day I gained a foothold and where I feared I was slipping behind the busy outside world..
I was progressing in other ways.

Obtaining a tiny illegal phone was a revelation and it changed everything.
It became my lifeline and a major part of my metamorphosis to freedom .

I had found a way to see the world and to extend my presence far beyond the thick concrete walls and steel bars.
I was never alone as my support base grew ever wider.
I was more reassured as the details of my case were corroborated and shared widely.
The details were all researched and cross referenced and carefully set in place for everyone to see,  so they, and you, could come to your own conclusions.

The heavy black clouds lifted from over my head, and my family and many friends breathed a huge sigh of relief as the long concealed explanations were finally aired .
So many letters of  appeal were made to many a high level of government and media groups.
Every single one was  rebuffed or ignored. So many kind friends wrote the most flattering glowing testimonials on my behalf submitted all in hope.

Nothing was wasted.. It all served a purpose and confirmed most universal support and encouragement to me and all who hoped with me.

Thank you to my stalwart friends who persevered with these appeals on  my behalf, literally right up till the last day of my incarceration. Thank you to the hundreds that messaged the most heartwarming encouragements on all social media platforms.

My jailers all knew of the delinquent events leading to my implication and incarceration but were helpless to say a thing. They reciprocated by looking after me most kindly and I will be ever indebted to them for that. 
A number of them are linked on my fbook.

I've gone on too long here I know.. But I needed to share an important point with you here.. That this most terrifying ordeal was turned around to serve a far greater purpose than my welfare.

It's way bigger than me..
Its every one of you who held this all together and I will never be able to express sufficient gratitude to you all, but will endeavor to pay it forward.

I know it's taken a corner of many lives and brought together the most incredible friendships across the world. There will be a book and another after it concluding and revisiting, rejoicing.

I will recover.. And I hope the labels will fade.
My losses will balance with many more gains.... and the credit for all this is due to you.
Thank you for standing by me through all this. Thank you for acknowledging the bravery of my young son and my parents.
Thank you

I just responded to an old friend who has been funding me very generously over the last few years and I thought I would copy you in on some thoughts even though you don't have the previous track.. You know what's going well enough.

It was frustrating..but I will soon be out.
It was often very disappointing to learn so late, how impotent and apathetic.. Aloof and bound by bumbling excuses the authorities were, at every turn.
There is more to this than meets the eye I think?.. and they have yet some cards to play...
Some evasive excuses or possibly good reasons that they were previously unable to disclose?

Either way, they were careful and courteous, and I know a few concerned  individuals were well on side, and did for me more than they were permitted, but were careful to stay within fairly tight diplomatic boundaries.

I write to a few of them today out of official channels and they will always be family now.
We've made more friends through these trials, and learnt so much too.

I think at this stage after so much good has resulted, that angling at deficiencies and flaws will not do as much good as highlighting the minimalistic tardy efforts with complements and thanks.
They did a lot of good too.
Even to the kuwait authorities, I will direct only respect and thanks, for their efficiency and compassion.
In all these big organizations, there are failings,.
As much... or more, in the uk or usa.

The last thing is, that we can be secure in our knowledge that we tried everything. We left no stone unturned and still had no response. But I know that every letter and appeal was noticed.
And today every one of those was a bright ray of hope for me, restoring every ounce of my honour and self esteem bit by bit.
My family was so grateful for the concerted efforts by so many great people from near and very far.
For them it was much more of an exoneration from my indiscretions and my getting into this shameful situation.
Nothing was wasted.
Everything, every voice counted, and today it has all pulled together so positively in the end, that there will be little place for critical reproaches, only relief, and gratitude I think?

So Mike.. Again thank you for shepherding me so generously through some very dry months and now finally as I pack my bag and stride more confidently into a new chapter. Bless you

Friday, August 10, 2018

Prose 3 Depths and Contrast

Hallo Gareth
Ek baie van jou gelees ek as n buitestaander het geen begrip wat jou ervarings met die jare was en nogsteeds huidiglik
Ek hierdie geskryf gebaseer op Psalm 130 vers 1tot 6

Uit die dieptes

die dieptes is iets
wat ek baie goed ken
die leegte

wat 'n mens se diel
en gees binnesluip
jou vrede en vreugde verdryf

soms is dit net te
pynlik of deur die venster
van my hart te kyk

want die lewe is nie maklik
"dieptes " is eintlik te ligte woord
aan dié ervaring van leegheid

hoe beskryf mens iets. ..
wat jou siel opvreet
maar nie 'n gestalte

die niks wat
alles in beslag neem
juis omdat daar nie woorde is

wat my diepste
versugtinge
verwoord nie

tog vind ek
troos uit U
Woord Here

want hierdie
" uit die dieptes "
ervaring wat ek

so goed ken
hoef my nie van U
Here vervreem nie

Opgedra aan Gareth Rutherford ek bid saam met jou vir 'n nuwe seisoen in jou lewe binnekort

Ivana de Graaf
Kopiereg voorbehou
05-08-2018

Prose 1 The same questions 9th August 18

I mentioned in that writing, the account of August Array .. The clear water, wide open sky and Whales in the bay.
I have not swum in ten years.. Or seen the sun rise or the moon at night..assembling the story and queries
You think right.
But you will see all these little things in the accounts in my blog.
Many don't bother to go there, too busy their lives. I know it's hard out there and that reading such misery is bit of a slog.
I know it's a bit tedious and long and many have told me so
but there are details in there that have to be shown.
There are a few who have read through the chapters there, and they are the few that know.
So in the state of Kuwait and the city the same.. Kuwait central prison is the name of the game..
It's a maximum security with guards and high walls
with nowhere to escape to, no chance, not at all..
I've never killed anything.. Not stolen or broken the law..
Ive never taken any drugs or made a bad call. Don't drink or smoke or excess in any way.
Amongst thousands of criminals I've been made the same..
And every day I have to make huge efforts to adapt to keep sane.. 
I've shared all this hundreds of times with many who have cared
or those like me who have never imagined being in a jail... Or what happens on one day in your life when everything fails. My soul so delinquently bared.
Today  9th August 2018

Prose 2 Inexorability

Where do we go at sunset?
A journey of dreams and hope?
A sensation of light and consciousness.?
Gently waning, as if to sleep?
No more than fables and fantasy
No less than simmering dread
Sadly no guarantee or assurance
Ever faithfully we follow like sheep
The chasm awaits every one of us
Not one has ever returned
But still we dream of its graces
And pray that it's not too deep

Monday, August 6, 2018

Ch (17) Today... August Array 2018

Here, today in early August, there is in me, a sensation of numbness.
A comfortable disconnect from the claws of duty and obligation.
A smile imprinted into my head as images of my imminent release from this agonizing incarceration, form in my mind.
Imagining those long awaited meetings as they replay in blurs of tears.
And I wonder if I will hold them or hide them or share them or dare them.?

Ten years after my most obscene abduction from the bright sunshine of the peak of my career..
Snatched so rudely, into the depths of shame, torment, deprivation, disposession, indignity, and disillusion.
Contrasts of every hue and some painful lessons of life, and it's truths.

Here today,
no longer bewildered and outraged by the cruelest of deceptions and fabrications imposed.
No longer angry or vengeful in response to these most delinquent of convictions.

Now there is  direction.
Now there is  firm resolve.
Now there is clarity and intention.
Now there is a new correction.

There has been time to winnow the chaff of confusion and lies..
And time to assemble the fragments of a shattered career..
Time to piece together the tatters of my destroyed family and friends
and time, and to stand back..
And to consult with the wise and able for their unbiased direction.

So privelaged am I, to have had all this and to have shared it all with so many. So grateful today that so many of them have participated, impacted and   contributed so passionately to the support mechanisms that have lifted me out of the most soul destroying destitution.
Lifted my family too.
I direct no longer to others, any arrow of blame or miserable regret, but to my self.
Those sentiments of Futility.. Apathy.. Helpless frustration and impotence.
Years of stonewalled intransigence have been order of the day. Those days of hope..
But every day there were thousands of you caring friends, who have ever more  stood behind me, in confidence and hope and prayer.
Even my own prison wardens have stood with me, as they too, knew of the disparities and common disconnects within the most powerful  circles.
They too were as helpless as my countrymen diplomats at the highest levels. But they cared for me.
They too were most cautious as were  all who knew that, in the truth, there was great risk to my welfare. 
No finger could too loudly or truthfully declare..
That which we all knew..
But were impotent to share.
So today here I am updating this news for you as clearly as I dare.

I owe so much to so many caring friends, and it is a daunting prospect to consider how I will ever be able to repay the hours, days, and dollars..
The compassion..
The fortitude the wisdom and the love that was showered over me day after day.
The sequences of the most uncanny of good fortunes and positive energy exactly at the right times, culminating in what I can only describe as miracles.
The myriad of the smallest things that made the hugest differences.

So here... I write and think and appreciate every tiny thought..
Every tiny whim..
Every tiny inclusion that you may have had in your own lives, as so many have so kindly thought about me here.

It's not all about me.
It's about compassion.
It's about a shared travesty
It's about a window for many to see
It's about an opportunity to care
It's about a lesson of great pain and loss
Observed in safety from far away
Observed while enduring your own traumas and tribulations.

So it's been a journey of success
A perilous tragedy turned challenge.
And a challenge turned victory.
Like a dull strip of mild steel forged in a hell fire.. . Beaten, annealed and tempered.. Now burnished to shine.
Yours to hold and admire
Your efforts did all this
Your care
Your fire
Your rescue
Your love and interest and forgiveness.
Your passionate participation
Your friendship and inspiration
Even on the darkest days.. I was never alone.. Someone somewhere always had me in mind and I knew it.. Felt it.
So here I write this today, to share with you the results of your most generous care.
You did all this
I played my role almost as a token
You stood by me when my nearest walked away in shame. Cut me off.

The rewards must return to you and I will endeavor to conclude to each their share.
The days ahead still have a load to bear and I will be more ecstatic and confident when I see you there.
These days I will share with you, as the sky opens wide and the glittering water clear, swims clean and free.
Then holding your hearts and those joys together, relived, this all becomes yours.
Do this with me
So.. I think.
Today.

Sunday, August 5, 2018

Depths and Contrast

Hallo Gareth
Ek baie van jou gelees ek as n buitestaander het geen begrip wat jou ervarings met die jare was en nogsteeds huidiglik
Ek hierdie geskryf gebaseer op Psalm 130 vers 1tot 6

Uit die dieptes

die dieptes is iets
wat ek baie goed ken
die leegte

wat 'n mens se siel
en gees binnesluip
jou vrede en vreugde verdryf

soms is dit net te
pynlik of deur die venster
van my hart te kyk

want die lewe is nie maklik
"dieptes " is eintlik te ligte woord
aan dié ervaring van leegheid

hoe beskryf mens iets. ..
wat jou siel opvreet
maar nie 'n gestalte

die niks wat
alles in beslag neem
juis omdat daar nie woorde is

wat my diepste
versugtinge
verwoord nie

tog vind ek
troos uit U
Woord Here

want hierdie
" uit die dieptes "
ervaring wat ek

so goed ken
hoef my nie van U
Here vervreem nie

Opgedra aan Gareth Rutherford ek bid saam met jou vir 'n nuwe seisoen in jou lewe binnekort

Ivana de Graaf
Kopiereg voorbehou
05-08-2018